Some Species Just Aren't Suited For Sonic!!!

Alan Nafzger

— 18 min read
Some Species Just Aren't Suited For Sonic!!!

Slow Food Movement: Sonic Hires Sloth as Carhop, Chaos Ensues

By the Satirical Staff of SpinTaxi.com — home of America’s most emotionally conflicted drive-thru journalism.

In a move hailed by animal rights activists and roundly cursed by hungry customers, a Sonic Drive-In in East Waco, Texas, made national headlines this week after promoting its newest employee: "Clive the Sloth"—a three-toed mammal with no prior food service experience, a below-average sense of urgency, and a personality described by coworkers as “half-baked molasses.”

Clive, wearing a stretched-out Sonic polo, half-buttoned over his mossy fur, and a matching red visor duct-taped to his tiny head, was reportedly hired during a diversity initiative aimed at “embracing alternative paces of life.”

His first day began on April 1st but didn’t really start until April 3rd.

Meet Clive: America’s Slowest Carhop

“I thought it was an ironic mascot at first,” said customer LaShonda Haines, who ordered mozzarella sticks on Monday and received them on Thursday.

“At first I was like, 'Aw, look at that adorable little guy inching across the parking lot like he’s delivering scrolls from the Middle Ages.' But after an hour of watching him skate 11 feet, I realized I had aged three years and he still hadn’t found my Toyota.”

Clive, originally from a roadside zoo in Lubbock, was rescued by a local wildlife rehabilitation group known as CritterKind. They claim he showed signs of “customer engagement potential” because he “made prolonged eye contact with a family-sized order of tater tots.”

Sonic regional manager DeShawn Pierce defended the hire.

“We looked at the data,” Pierce said, citing a laminated napkin with the phrase ‘Sloths never get tired’ scrawled on it. “We’re innovating. We’re leading the Slow Food Movement—literally.”

Roller Skates and Instinct Collide

Equipped with neon blue roller skates and little knee pads made from cut-up dish sponges, Clive has yet to complete a full loop around the lot without collapsing into a bush, hugging a trash can, or stopping midway to yawn at a cloud.

“He’s not slow because he’s lazy,” said his shift supervisor Kayleigh Gonzalez, 17. “He’s slow because he’s deeply contemplative. Sometimes he just stares at the receipt printer for like twenty minutes, like it’s the void.”

The store initially tried installing a miniature electric scooter to aid his mobility, but the sloth immediately fell asleep on it mid-shift and was later spotted drifting through a Chick-fil-A parking lot across the street, where he was mistaken for a lost child in a gorilla suit.

Fast Food Meets Existential Dread

Clive’s presence has had a profound effect on the Sonic crew. According to one fry cook, “He’s like a furry Buddha on wheels. You start asking yourself, ‘Why rush the chili dog?’”

Teen employee Timmy Cranston reported being hypnotized by Clive’s ten-minute stare while he was restocking cups. “It was like he could see my childhood. I cried. I quit. I became a vegan.”

Sonic's HR department has since added mandatory “sloth mindfulness breaks” to the employee handbook, where workers must slow-breathe in the broom closet for five minutes or until they “achieve emotional stillness.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“The guy took so long with my milkshake, I think the ice cream turned back into a cow.”
— Ron White

“Hiring a sloth at Sonic is like getting a tortoise to DJ your wedding—sure, it’s got heart, but everyone’s gonna leave before the drop.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“He brought me my burger and a sense of spiritual emptiness I wasn’t ready to confront at 3 p.m.”
— Ali Wong

Sonic Customers Respond... Eventually

An informal poll conducted by SpinTaxi.com in the Sonic parking lot revealed that 73% of customers support Clive “in theory,” but only 12% have actually received their orders.

Several patrons developed workarounds, including leaving granola trails to lure Clive closer or using laser pointers to direct him toward specific cars. One man offered to “trade him for a raccoon that knows how to hustle.”

Not everyone is patient. A man in a Dodge Ram peeled out of the lot yelling, “This ain’t a damn wildlife documentary! I got places to be!”

Witness Testimony: "He Hugged My Milkshake"

Eyewitness June Pickens offered what many believe to be the most harrowing Clive-related testimony to date:

“I saw him pick up my tray. He just… held it. For twenty full minutes. Then he looked at the milkshake like it was a long-lost lover, then slowly—painfully slowly—tried to hand it to me. But by the time he extended his arm, I had already driven away, gotten married, and had a kid.”

June later named that child Sonic, out of spite.

Expert Opinion: "He’s Actually Performing Within Normal Sloth Parameters"

Dr. Amelia Trent, a zoologist specializing in arboreal mammals, noted, “People forget that sloths naturally move about 0.03 miles per hour. That’s approximately one ‘Clive Burger’ per fiscal quarter.”

When asked if working at a fast-food chain might cause undue stress, she replied, “Not for sloths. Time is meaningless to them. They exist in a beautiful, leafy limbo.”

Irony Burgers with Extra Sarcasm

Clive’s hiring is being celebrated by TikTok influencers who consider him a symbol of anti-hustle culture.

#JusticeforClive has over 2 million views, mostly teens filming themselves reenacting his “7-minute wink” or skateboarding while wrapped in Snuggies to protest late capitalism.

The New York Times Style section called Clive “a metaphor for America’s fractured relationship with time, productivity, and processed cheese.”

Personal Story: “He Changed Me”

“I used to be a stockbroker,” said local man Gary Elkins, who encountered Clive during a lunch run.

“I was angry, aggressive. I’d yell at baristas for taking ten seconds to steam oat milk. Then Clive happened. Watching him attempt to lift a ketchup packet changed my whole life. I quit finance. I make birdhouses now.”

Gary’s birdhouses have been described as “sloppily peaceful” and are sold under the brand ZenCoop.

When asked about workplace safety violations, Sonic corporate issued the following statement:

“Clive’s employment is fully compliant with our marsupial-inclusion policy. While technically not a marsupial, we believe in casting a wide mammalian net.”

They declined to answer questions about an alleged incident in which Clive mistook the deep fryer for a nesting site and now sleeps next to the chili dispenser.

Philosophers Chime In

Dr. Harold Gunther, a retired philosophy professor from UT-Austin, suggests the whole thing may be performance art:

“Clive is a commentary on the futility of modern convenience. You want fast food? Too bad. You get it when the universe delivers it. He’s a fleshy hourglass with fur and roller skates.”

Gunther is currently writing a book titled: “Clive and the Temporal Burger: Fast Food in the Age of Stillness.”

Trace Evidence: Security Footage Analysis

Security cam footage reveals Clive has yet to complete a full order from start to finish in under two hours. One video shows him staring at a cherry limeade for 45 minutes before gently placing it on the hood of a 2008 Ford Focus, then skating away into the bushes without comment.

A trail of ants confirmed this event, following the condensation back to the soda station.

Clive’s Managerial Evaluation

Despite the delays, Clive received a glowing performance review:

Strengths:

  • Eye contact
  • Not aggressive
  • Never takes smoke breaks

Areas for Growth:

  • Knows no order numbers
  • Believes ketchup is a toy
  • Confused by roller skates; sometimes wears them on his hands

Future of the Program

Inspired by Clive’s unintentional virality, Sonic is reportedly considering a “Creature Crew” hiring initiative, including:

  • A chinchilla in the ice cream station
  • A turtle in the drive-thru booth
  • One raccoon in charge of customer complaints

They also confirmed a partnership with a local herpetology club to trial “snake-shaped straws,” which has already been denounced by OSHA and four separate reptile rights groups.

Closing Thought

Clive may not be the fastest, most efficient, or most aware employee, but he’s teaching us all something important—namely that sometimes, the journey to your chili cheese dog is more emotional than nutritional.

Or as Clive might say—if he ever finished saying anything:

"Ssssssssssssssllllll…"

That’s the sound of progress, apparently.

Sources:

  • Sloth Cited for Blocking Drive-Thru, Responds with Philosophical Yawn
  • Local Teen Blames Existential Crisis on Slow Food Order
  • Sonic Declares 'Fast' Is a Social Construct, Hires Snails Next
  • Study Shows Sloths May Be Better at Eye Contact Than Middle Managers
  • Customer Sued for Yelling at Sloth, Ordered to Meditate
  • Employee of the Month Wins Coupon for Eternal Stillness

Some Species Just Aren't Suited For Sonic!!!

Slow Food Movement: Sonic Hires Sloth as Carhop, Chaos Ensues

By the Satirical Staff of SpinTaxi.com — home of America’s most emotionally conflicted drive-thru journalism.

In a move hailed by animal rights activists and roundly cursed by hungry customers, a Sonic Drive-In in East Waco, Texas, made national headlines this week after promoting its newest employee: "Clive the Sloth"—a three-toed mammal with no prior food service experience, a below-average sense of urgency, and a personality described by coworkers as “half-baked molasses.”

Clive, wearing a stretched-out Sonic polo, half-buttoned over his mossy fur, and a matching red visor duct-taped to his tiny head, was reportedly hired during a diversity initiative aimed at “embracing alternative paces of life.”

His first day began on April 1st but didn’t really start until April 3rd.

Meet Clive: America’s Slowest Carhop

“I thought it was an ironic mascot at first,” said customer LaShonda Haines, who ordered mozzarella sticks on Monday and received them on Thursday.

“At first I was like, 'Aw, look at that adorable little guy inching across the parking lot like he’s delivering scrolls from the Middle Ages.' But after an hour of watching him skate 11 feet, I realized I had aged three years and he still hadn’t found my Toyota.”

Clive, originally from a roadside zoo in Lubbock, was rescued by a local wildlife rehabilitation group known as CritterKind. They claim he showed signs of “customer engagement potential” because he “made prolonged eye contact with a family-sized order of tater tots.”

Sonic regional manager DeShawn Pierce defended the hire.

“We looked at the data,” Pierce said, citing a laminated napkin with the phrase ‘Sloths never get tired’ scrawled on it. “We’re innovating. We’re leading the Slow Food Movement—literally.”

Roller Skates and Instinct Collide

Equipped with neon blue roller skates and little knee pads made from cut-up dish sponges, Clive has yet to complete a full loop around the lot without collapsing into a bush, hugging a trash can, or stopping midway to yawn at a cloud.

“He’s not slow because he’s lazy,” said his shift supervisor Kayleigh Gonzalez, 17. “He’s slow because he’s deeply contemplative. Sometimes he just stares at the receipt printer for like twenty minutes, like it’s the void.”

The store initially tried installing a miniature electric scooter to aid his mobility, but the sloth immediately fell asleep on it mid-shift and was later spotted drifting through a Chick-fil-A parking lot across the street, where he was mistaken for a lost child in a gorilla suit.

Fast Food Meets Existential Dread

Clive’s presence has had a profound effect on the Sonic crew. According to one fry cook, “He’s like a furry Buddha on wheels. You start asking yourself, ‘Why rush the chili dog?’”

Teen employee Timmy Cranston reported being hypnotized by Clive’s ten-minute stare while he was restocking cups. “It was like he could see my childhood. I cried. I quit. I became a vegan.”

Sonic's HR department has since added mandatory “sloth mindfulness breaks” to the employee handbook, where workers must slow-breathe in the broom closet for five minutes or until they “achieve emotional stillness.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“The guy took so long with my milkshake, I think the ice cream turned back into a cow.”
— Ron White

“Hiring a sloth at Sonic is like getting a tortoise to DJ your wedding—sure, it’s got heart, but everyone’s gonna leave before the drop.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“He brought me my burger and a sense of spiritual emptiness I wasn’t ready to confront at 3 p.m.”
— Ali Wong

Sonic Customers Respond... Eventually

An informal poll conducted by SpinTaxi.com in the Sonic parking lot revealed that 73% of customers support Clive “in theory,” but only 12% have actually received their orders.

Several patrons developed workarounds, including leaving granola trails to lure Clive closer or using laser pointers to direct him toward specific cars. One man offered to “trade him for a raccoon that knows how to hustle.”

Not everyone is patient. A man in a Dodge Ram peeled out of the lot yelling, “This ain’t a damn wildlife documentary! I got places to be!”

Witness Testimony: "He Hugged My Milkshake"

Eyewitness June Pickens offered what many believe to be the most harrowing Clive-related testimony to date:

“I saw him pick up my tray. He just… held it. For twenty full minutes. Then he looked at the milkshake like it was a long-lost lover, then slowly—painfully slowly—tried to hand it to me. But by the time he extended his arm, I had already driven away, gotten married, and had a kid.”

June later named that child Sonic, out of spite.

Expert Opinion: "He’s Actually Performing Within Normal Sloth Parameters"

Dr. Amelia Trent, a zoologist specializing in arboreal mammals, noted, “People forget that sloths naturally move about 0.03 miles per hour. That’s approximately one ‘Clive Burger’ per fiscal quarter.”

When asked if working at a fast-food chain might cause undue stress, she replied, “Not for sloths. Time is meaningless to them. They exist in a beautiful, leafy limbo.”

Irony Burgers with Extra Sarcasm

Clive’s hiring is being celebrated by TikTok influencers who consider him a symbol of anti-hustle culture.

#JusticeforClive has over 2 million views, mostly teens filming themselves reenacting his “7-minute wink” or skateboarding while wrapped in Snuggies to protest late capitalism.

The New York Times Style section called Clive “a metaphor for America’s fractured relationship with time, productivity, and processed cheese.”

Personal Story: “He Changed Me”

“I used to be a stockbroker,” said local man Gary Elkins, who encountered Clive during a lunch run.

“I was angry, aggressive. I’d yell at baristas for taking ten seconds to steam oat milk. Then Clive happened. Watching him attempt to lift a ketchup packet changed my whole life. I quit finance. I make birdhouses now.”

Gary’s birdhouses have been described as “sloppily peaceful” and are sold under the brand ZenCoop.

When asked about workplace safety violations, Sonic corporate issued the following statement:

“Clive’s employment is fully compliant with our marsupial-inclusion policy. While technically not a marsupial, we believe in casting a wide mammalian net.”

They declined to answer questions about an alleged incident in which Clive mistook the deep fryer for a nesting site and now sleeps next to the chili dispenser.

Philosophers Chime In

Dr. Harold Gunther, a retired philosophy professor from UT-Austin, suggests the whole thing may be performance art:

“Clive is a commentary on the futility of modern convenience. You want fast food? Too bad. You get it when the universe delivers it. He’s a fleshy hourglass with fur and roller skates.”

Gunther is currently writing a book titled: “Clive and the Temporal Burger: Fast Food in the Age of Stillness.”

Trace Evidence: Security Footage Analysis

Security cam footage reveals Clive has yet to complete a full order from start to finish in under two hours. One video shows him staring at a cherry limeade for 45 minutes before gently placing it on the hood of a 2008 Ford Focus, then skating away into the bushes without comment.

A trail of ants confirmed this event, following the condensation back to the soda station.

Clive’s Managerial Evaluation

Despite the delays, Clive received a glowing performance review:

Strengths:

  • Eye contact
  • Not aggressive
  • Never takes smoke breaks

Areas for Growth:

  • Knows no order numbers
  • Believes ketchup is a toy
  • Confused by roller skates; sometimes wears them on his hands

Future of the Program

Inspired by Clive’s unintentional virality, Sonic is reportedly considering a “Creature Crew” hiring initiative, including:

  • A chinchilla in the ice cream station
  • A turtle in the drive-thru booth
  • One raccoon in charge of customer complaints

They also confirmed a partnership with a local herpetology club to trial “snake-shaped straws,” which has already been denounced by OSHA and four separate reptile rights groups.

Closing Thought

Clive may not be the fastest, most efficient, or most aware employee, but he’s teaching us all something important—namely that sometimes, the journey to your chili cheese dog is more emotional than nutritional.

Or as Clive might say—if he ever finished saying anything:

"Ssssssssssssssllllll…"

That’s the sound of progress, apparently.

Sources:

  • Sloth Cited for Blocking Drive-Thru, Responds with Philosophical Yawn
  • Local Teen Blames Existential Crisis on Slow Food Order
  • Sonic Declares 'Fast' Is a Social Construct, Hires Snails Next
  • Study Shows Sloths May Be Better at Eye Contact Than Middle Managers
  • Customer Sued for Yelling at Sloth, Ordered to Meditate
  • Employee of the Month Wins Coupon for Eternal Stillness

[caption id="attachment_16818" align="aligncenter" width="1792"] SpinTaxi Magazine - Some People Just Aren't Suited For Sonic!!!. A sloth in a Sonic Drive-In uniform, wearing an oversized red visor... - spintaxi.com 4[/caption]

12 Observations

Sloth Service: Now With 30% More Inertia

Some people aren't really good at working at Sonic. But Clive the Sloth isn’t “some people”—he’s a mammal whose top speed is legally classified as “glacial with attitude.”

  • Clive once delivered a milkshake so late, the cherry fossilized and was later carbon-dated by local high school students.
  • Roller skates didn’t make him faster—they just gave him a new way to trip over a ketchup packet.
  • When Clive brings your order, he doesn't say, "Here you go." He just stares until your hunger disappears on its own.
  • Customers have begun meditating in the drive-thru line because it’s faster to reach inner peace than a chili dog.
  • One customer asked for extra ranch. Clive went into the woods to find the actual ranch.
  • Clive doesn’t wear a name tag. He wears a wristband that says, “Go Easy On Me, I Was Born Slow.”
  • The drive-thru timer at his Sonic now just says “Why?”
  • He took 20 minutes to hand a family their food, and by the time he finished, they had adopted him.
  • The raccoon working the fryer now has two promotions and a LinkedIn page.
  • A guest tried to tip Clive $5. He took so long to respond, the dollar depreciated into store credit.
  • Clive calls his delivery technique “deliberate dining.” Health inspectors call it “a biohazard in progress.”
  • The Sonic manager has started using Clive as a cautionary tale during orientation: “This is what happens when you ignore urgency.”

[caption id="attachment_16815" align="aligncenter" width="1792"] SpinTaxi Magazine - Sloth Service: Now With 30% More Inertia. At a chaotic Sonic Drive-In, Clive the sloth is passed out across the condiment ... - spintaxi.com 1[/caption]

What the Funny People Are Saying About Sonic...

Ron White
“He moves so slow, I got hungry, ordered, got full, fasted, converted religions, and came back for dessert.”

Jerry Seinfeld
“Hiring a sloth at Sonic is like using a lava lamp to light a football stadium. Sure, it’s cute—but you’re gonna die before kickoff.”

Ali Wong
“He gave me my drink like he was handing me the meaning of life—one drop of Dr. Pepper at a time.”

Bill Burr
“You don’t give a sloth a job in food service. You give him a podcast where he discusses the philosophy of cheese.”

Trevor Noah
“Clive handed me my burger, made eye contact, and I swear he whispered, ‘Nothing is real.’ Then he fell over.”

Kevin Hart
“I waited so long I became my own ancestor. Like, I’m in the family tree now twice!”

Sarah Silverman
“It’s not just that he’s slow. It’s that he’s emotionally slow. My fries had time to reflect on their purpose.”

Dave Chappelle
“He’s not a carhop. He’s a time traveler stuck between shifts.”

[caption id="attachment_16816" align="aligncenter" width="1792"]SpinTaxi Magazine - What the Funny People Are Saying About Sonic.... Clive the sloth is frozen mid-push on roller skates in a chaotic Sonic Drive-In ... - spintaxi.com 2[/caption]

 Some Species Just Aren't Suited For Sonic!!!

Slow Food Movement: Sonic Hires Sloth as Carhop, Chaos Ensues

By the Satirical Staff of SpinTaxi.com — home of America’s most emotionally conflicted drive-thru journalism.

In a move hailed by animal rights activists and roundly cursed by hungry customers, a Sonic Drive-In in East Waco, Texas, made national headlines this week after promoting its newest employee: "Clive the Sloth"—a three-toed mammal with no prior food service experience, a below-average sense of urgency, and a personality described by coworkers as “half-baked molasses.”

Clive, wearing a stretched-out Sonic polo, half-buttoned over his mossy fur, and a matching red visor duct-taped to his tiny head, was reportedly hired during a diversity initiative aimed at “embracing alternative paces of life.”

His first day began on April 1st but didn’t really start until April 3rd.

Meet Clive: America’s Slowest Carhop

“I thought it was an ironic mascot at first,” said customer LaShonda Haines, who ordered mozzarella sticks on Monday and received them on Thursday.

“At first I was like, 'Aw, look at that adorable little guy inching across the parking lot like he’s delivering scrolls from the Middle Ages.' But after an hour of watching him skate 11 feet, I realized I had aged three years and he still hadn’t found my Toyota.”

Clive, originally from a roadside zoo in Lubbock, was rescued by a local wildlife rehabilitation group known as CritterKind. They claim he showed signs of “customer engagement potential” because he “made prolonged eye contact with a family-sized order of tater tots.”

Sonic regional manager DeShawn Pierce defended the hire.

“We looked at the data,” Pierce said, citing a laminated napkin with the phrase ‘Sloths never get tired’ scrawled on it. “We’re innovating. We’re leading the Slow Food Movement—literally.”

Roller Skates and Instinct Collide

Equipped with neon blue roller skates and little knee pads made from cut-up dish sponges, Clive has yet to complete a full loop around the lot without collapsing into a bush, hugging a trash can, or stopping midway to yawn at a cloud.

“He’s not slow because he’s lazy,” said his shift supervisor Kayleigh Gonzalez, 17. “He’s slow because he’s deeply contemplative. Sometimes he just stares at the receipt printer for like twenty minutes, like it’s the void.”

The store initially tried installing a miniature electric scooter to aid his mobility, but the sloth immediately fell asleep on it mid-shift and was later spotted drifting through a Chick-fil-A parking lot across the street, where he was mistaken for a lost child in a gorilla suit.

Fast Food Meets Existential Dread

Clive’s presence has had a profound effect on the Sonic crew. According to one fry cook, “He’s like a furry Buddha on wheels. You start asking yourself, ‘Why rush the chili dog?’”

Teen employee Timmy Cranston reported being hypnotized by Clive’s ten-minute stare while he was restocking cups. “It was like he could see my childhood. I cried. I quit. I became a vegan.”

Sonic's HR department has since added mandatory “sloth mindfulness breaks” to the employee handbook, where workers must slow-breathe in the broom closet for five minutes or until they “achieve emotional stillness.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“The guy took so long with my milkshake, I think the ice cream turned back into a cow.”
— Ron White

“Hiring a sloth at Sonic is like getting a tortoise to DJ your wedding—sure, it’s got heart, but everyone’s gonna leave before the drop.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“He brought me my burger and a sense of spiritual emptiness I wasn’t ready to confront at 3 p.m.”
— Ali Wong

Sonic Customers Respond... Eventually

An informal poll conducted by SpinTaxi.com in the Sonic parking lot revealed that 73% of customers support Clive “in theory,” but only 12% have actually received their orders.

Several patrons developed workarounds, including leaving granola trails to lure Clive closer or using laser pointers to direct him toward specific cars. One man offered to “trade him for a raccoon that knows how to hustle.”

Not everyone is patient. A man in a Dodge Ram peeled out of the lot yelling, “This ain’t a damn wildlife documentary! I got places to be!”

Witness Testimony: "He Hugged My Milkshake"

Eyewitness June Pickens offered what many believe to be the most harrowing Clive-related testimony to date:

“I saw him pick up my tray. He just… held it. For twenty full minutes. Then he looked at the milkshake like it was a long-lost lover, then slowly—painfully slowly—tried to hand it to me. But by the time he extended his arm, I had already driven away, gotten married, and had a kid.”

June later named that child Sonic, out of spite.

Expert Opinion: "He’s Actually Performing Within Normal Sloth Parameters"

Dr. Amelia Trent, a zoologist specializing in arboreal mammals, noted, “People forget that sloths naturally move about 0.03 miles per hour. That’s approximately one ‘Clive Burger’ per fiscal quarter.”

When asked if working at a fast-food chain might cause undue stress, she replied, “Not for sloths. Time is meaningless to them. They exist in a beautiful, leafy limbo.”

Irony Burgers with Extra Sarcasm

Clive’s hiring is being celebrated by TikTok influencers who consider him a symbol of anti-hustle culture.

#JusticeforClive has over 2 million views, mostly teens filming themselves reenacting his “7-minute wink” or skateboarding while wrapped in Snuggies to protest late capitalism.

The New York Times Style section called Clive “a metaphor for America’s fractured relationship with time, productivity, and processed cheese.”

Personal Story: “He Changed Me”

“I used to be a stockbroker,” said local man Gary Elkins, who encountered Clive during a lunch run.

“I was angry, aggressive. I’d yell at baristas for taking ten seconds to steam oat milk. Then Clive happened. Watching him attempt to lift a ketchup packet changed my whole life. I quit finance. I make birdhouses now.”

Gary’s birdhouses have been described as “sloppily peaceful” and are sold under the brand ZenCoop.

When asked about workplace safety violations, Sonic corporate issued the following statement:

“Clive’s employment is fully compliant with our marsupial-inclusion policy. While technically not a marsupial, we believe in casting a wide mammalian net.”

They declined to answer questions about an alleged incident in which Clive mistook the deep fryer for a nesting site and now sleeps next to the chili dispenser.

Philosophers Chime In

Dr. Harold Gunther, a retired philosophy professor from UT-Austin, suggests the whole thing may be performance art:

“Clive is a commentary on the futility of modern convenience. You want fast food? Too bad. You get it when the universe delivers it. He’s a fleshy hourglass with fur and roller skates.”

Gunther is currently writing a book titled: “Clive and the Temporal Burger: Fast Food in the Age of Stillness.”

Trace Evidence: Security Footage Analysis

Security cam footage reveals Clive has yet to complete a full order from start to finish in under two hours. One video shows him staring at a cherry limeade for 45 minutes before gently placing it on the hood of a 2008 Ford Focus, then skating away into the bushes without comment.

A trail of ants confirmed this event, following the condensation back to the soda station.

Clive’s Managerial Evaluation

Despite the delays, Clive received a glowing performance review:

Strengths:

  • Eye contact
  • Not aggressive
  • Never takes smoke breaks

Areas for Growth:

  • Knows no order numbers
  • Believes ketchup is a toy
  • Confused by roller skates; sometimes wears them on his hands

Future of the Program

Inspired by Clive’s unintentional virality, Sonic is reportedly considering a “Creature Crew” hiring initiative, including:

  • A chinchilla in the ice cream station
  • A turtle in the drive-thru booth
  • One raccoon in charge of customer complaints

They also confirmed a partnership with a local herpetology club to trial “snake-shaped straws,” which has already been denounced by OSHA and four separate reptile rights groups.

Closing Thought

Clive may not be the fastest, most efficient, or most aware employee, but he’s teaching us all something important—namely that sometimes, the journey to your chili cheese dog is more emotional than nutritional.

Or as Clive might say—if he ever finished saying anything:

"Ssssssssssssssllllll…"

That’s the sound of progress, apparently.

Sources:

  • Sloth Cited for Blocking Drive-Thru, Responds with Philosophical Yawn
  • Local Teen Blames Existential Crisis on Slow Food Order
  • Sonic Declares 'Fast' Is a Social Construct, Hires Snails Next
  • Study Shows Sloths May Be Better at Eye Contact Than Middle Managers
  • Customer Sued for Yelling at Sloth, Ordered to Meditate
  • Employee of the Month Wins Coupon for Eternal Stillness

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