Puberty Panic
Puberty Panic: Parents Beg Schools, TikTok, or Literally Anyone to Explain the Hormone Apocalypse
Published in collaboration with Bohiney.com – Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion
The Hormone Apocalypse Is Upon Us
In what experts are calling a “national parenting emergency,” a new Mott Poll reveals that most parents would rather wrestle a bear in a Walmart parking lot than have the “puberty talk” with their tweens. Instead of calmly explaining the wonders of biology, parents are reportedly tossing deodorant sticks into bedrooms like they’re feeding crocodiles at a petting zoo and praying TikTok influencers fill in the rest.
According to the findings, only 45% of parents have discussed body changes with their kids ages 9-11. The other 55% have resorted to “strategic ignorance,” believing if they don’t acknowledge the mustache growing on their daughter’s upper lip, it technically doesn’t exist.
“It’s like Jurassic Park in our house,” said Becky from Boise. “We spotted one lone armpit hair and now every conversation ends with my son slamming the door and blasting Skrillex. I just wanted my little boy back—not this sweaty, brooding velociraptor.”
Schools vs. Parents: Who Will Blink First?
An ancient gladiator-style standoff continues to play out between parents and public schools. Each side assumes the other is responsible for educating tweens about puberty. As a result, many children are now learning about body odor and hormonal mood swings through YouTube gaming streamers and Minecraft comment sections.
“Health class? We didn’t get there because the school district ran out of funding after printing permission slips for ‘Cabbage Awareness Week,’” said Mr. Wallace, a gym teacher with an eye twitch and two years from retirement.
In some districts, educators report being forbidden to say the word “nipple” in classrooms without risk of being sued by concerned parents or recalled by a local PTA PAC.
TikTok: The New Sex Ed?
In the vacuum left by adults too embarrassed to discuss underarm funk, TikTok creators have become the de facto health instructors of Gen Alpha. One top-rated puberty explainer video—featuring a pug in sunglasses explaining menstruation while twerking—has racked up 8.2 million likes and a licensing deal with the Discovery Channel.
“My daughter thinks her uterus is ‘on vibes,’ and her hormones are ‘giving chaos energy,'” said one bewildered father. “I just hope that’s medically accurate?”
Others are less optimistic. “We’re only three months away from kids believing they can control their periods with moon crystals and crop tops,” warned Dr. Elaine Franklin, a pediatric endocrinologist and part-time therapist for traumatized parents.
When in Doubt, Blame AI
In an effort to modernize puberty talks, some parents have turned to AI tools like ChatGPT for assistance.
“I asked the AI to explain puberty in a kid-friendly way, and it sent my son a three-paragraph essay comparing testosterone to a Marvel supervillain,” said Karen Simmons, mother of three and survivor of a failed puberty dinner conversation.
Another parent asked their Alexa device what a period was, only to be told it’s “a punctuation mark signaling the end of a sentence.” Which is technically true, and also a strong metaphor for childhood.
Personal Stories: “My Son Googled ‘Why Am I Sweating?’ and Now He Thinks He Has Rabies”
Tim Reynolds, a Michigan dad of two, recounted the chilling moment he realized he was too late. “He thought he was dying. He asked if he needed to be quarantined. I said, ‘No, that’s puberty.’ He screamed, ran into the woods, and hasn’t worn socks since.”
Other stories echo the chaos:
- A girl in Nebraska reportedly staged her own puberty intervention, inviting her parents to a PowerPoint presentation titled “Your Daughter is Becoming a Woman, Please Respond.”
- A boy in Portland took it into his own hands and started a Twitch stream called “Puberty Chronicles: Leveling Up My Voice,” where he livestreams voice cracks.
Parental Coping Mechanisms
Most parents, unable to handle the hormonal apocalypse overtaking their households, have turned to coping mechanisms like:
- Wine-Enhanced Reading of “What’s Happening to My Body?” aloud at bedtime.
- Pretending it’s “just the weather” causing mood swings.
- Installing Febreze dispensers in doorframes like motion-activated lasers.
One California mom says she created a puberty bingo card to distract herself. “So far, I’ve marked ‘first pimple,’ ‘mysterious crying,’ and ‘tantrum about sock texture.’ Once I hit ‘armpit standoff,’ I win a Xanax.”
Comedian Commentary: What the Funny People Are Saying
- Ron White: “My daddy taught me about puberty with a bottle of whiskey and a slap on the back. Now you got kids watching anime and wondering why their chest hurts. It’s called glands, not drama.”
- Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with puberty? It’s the only time in life where your voice cracks, your face leaks oil, and everyone pretends it’s ‘normal.’ We don’t do that with rabies!”
- Amy Schumer: “I tried explaining periods to my niece. She asked if I was dying. I said, ‘Honey, that’s just society’s view of womanhood.’”
- Larry David: “You ever try talking to a 10-year-old about erections? You end up in a police sketch before you finish the word ‘biology.’”
The “Ask Your Mother” Pandemic
The survey revealed a significant gender divide: 68% of fathers default to “ask your mother” when faced with questions like “Why are my nipples weird now?” or “Is this hair supposed to be there?”
“This is a dangerous game,” said family therapist Greg Marston. “By the time mom finishes explaining fallopian tubes for the third time, she’s filing for custody of the cat and moving into a yurt.”
Some dads tried being brave—one even wrote a poem titled ‘Ballads of the Body’ for his daughter. That child is now in therapy and the poem has been burned.
The Surprise Car Talk
The Mott Poll found that over half of the “puberty conversations” are launched while driving—a moment when the child cannot escape, and the parent can avoid eye contact.
“We were just driving to Costco when my dad turned the volume down and said, ‘Son, let’s talk about hormones,’” reported 12-year-old Cooper Michaels. “I jumped out at a red light.”
Car ride tactics have been compared to tactical military ops—parents strike when tweens are most vulnerable: strapped in and distracted by Cheetos.
Urban Legends and Misinformation: Thanks, Internet
Among the more concerning findings: a large portion of kids believe armpit hair grows in alphabetical order and that menstruation causes temporary mind-reading.
“Puberty used to be mysterious,” said historian Lila Grosvenor. “But now it’s aggressively mythologized. There are entire Reddit forums claiming puberty is just Big Pharma trying to sell razors.”
One viral YouTuber with 4.3M followers insists puberty can be reversed by eating only raw kale and shouting affirmations at the moon.
Merchandising: Coming to a Store Near You
To capitalize on this hormonal confusion, corporations are cashing in. Here are the latest puberty-adjacent products:
- Pubert-Ease™ Mood Bracelets: Glow red when your child is about to slam a door.
- The Period Party Kit™: Complete with a pink confetti cannon, cupcakes shaped like uteruses, and a Spotify playlist called “Flow State.”
- Hormoanies™ Scented Sprays: Marketed as “anti-funk for your junk,” now in Axe™ scent: “Raging Testosterone Mist.”
A new Disney+ show called “Tween Titans: The Rise of Puberty” is reportedly in development, featuring a moody animated cast learning how to moisturize and cry without shame.
The Rise of “Puberty Coaches”
With demand for guidance skyrocketing, a new industry is emerging: certified Puberty Coaches. For $399 a session, these life consultants teach parents how to not pass out during conversations involving menstrual cups or voice cracking.
One such coach, “Coach Diva Hormona,” wears a cape and refers to herself as “the Puberty Whisperer.” Her catchphrase? “Your child’s mood swings are just their chakras clashing.”
Religious Leaders Weigh In
Some faith leaders are attempting to interpret puberty through spiritual lenses:
- “We believe body odor is a test from God,” said one Texas preacher. “A trial of faith and Old Spice.”
- “Our temple now offers weekly workshops titled, ‘Blessed Are the Hairy,’” said a Buddhist monk from Oregon.
- One Mormon bishop stated, “Puberty is when the spirit wrestles the flesh, and the flesh wins by technical knockout.”
Side Effects May Include…
Doctors warned parents that failure to have early, clear conversations about puberty may lead to:
- Fear of showers
- Asking Siri what a tampon is
- Joining anti-science Discord servers
- Panic-buying Axe Body Spray by the crate
- TikTok rituals to summon “Puberty Goblins” (yes, it’s a trend)
The American Academy of Pediatrics now recommends “Early and often” conversations. But they stopped short of providing a script because, quote, “We’re not miracle workers.”
Final Word: The Silent Screaming
Ultimately, parents are caught between wanting to protect their kids from awkwardness and not wanting to be the ones responsible for the awkwardness. This Catch-22 has led to record-breaking sales of deodorant, acne cream, and noise-canceling headphones.
Dr. Marsha Trillman, author of “From Diapers to Drama: A Parent’s Guide to Hormonal Warfare,” summarized the situation: “Puberty isn’t just a phase—it’s a hostage situation with your child’s hormones demanding snacks, privacy, and better Wi-Fi.”
Helpful Content from Bohiney.com
At Bohiney.com, we recommend this tried-and-true 3-step method for handling puberty:
- Acknowledge it’s happening.
- Say something before TikTok does.
- If all else fails, move to Canada and start over.
Because no matter how awkward the talk may be, it’s still better than your kid learning about body changes from a pug doing the cha-cha in a crop top.
Auf Wiedersehen, innocence. Hello hormones.
Parents need to talk to their tweens sooner about puberty…
Here are 15 findings from the Mott Poll: CNN
1. Puberty Talks: The New “Birds and Bees” Sequel
Parents are now realizing that the classic “birds and bees” talk needs a prequel: “The Hormones and Mood Swings.”
2. Tweenagers: The New Frontier
Navigating conversations with 7-12-year-olds about puberty is like trying to explain Wi-Fi to a caveman—confusing for both parties.
3. The Emoji Approach
Some parents attempt to discuss puberty using emojis. Spoiler: There’s no emoji for “awkward hormonal changes.”
4. Puberty: Now with 100% More Cringe
Discussing body changes with tweens often results in a mutual agreement to never speak of it again.CNN
5. The “Google It” Generation
Parents delay the talk, hoping their kids will just Google puberty. The result? Kids thinking they’re turning into werewolves.
6. School vs. Home: The Puberty Tug-of-War
Parents assume schools will handle the talk, while schools assume parents will. Meanwhile, kids are left learning from TikTok.
7. The “Just Wait” Strategy
Some parents believe in waiting until their child asks questions. Unfortunately, by then, the child is already giving advice to peers.
8. Puberty Apps: There’s an App for That
In the digital age, some parents outsource the talk to apps. Because nothing says bonding like a push notification about armpit hair.
9. The Sibling Delegation
Older siblings are sometimes tasked with explaining puberty. Their version? “Good luck, it’s a wild ride.”
10. The “Back in My Day” Monologue
Parents start with “Back in my day…” and end up reminiscing about rotary phones, completely missing the puberty point.
11. Puberty Parties: Coming Soon?
With gender reveal parties trending, it’s only a matter of time before “First Pimple” celebrations become a thing.
12. The Awkward Silence Olympics
When parents and tweens sit down for the talk, the room’s silence could win gold in the Awkward Silence Olympics.CNN
13. The “Ask Your Mother” Defense
Dads often deflect puberty questions with the classic, “Ask your mother,” passing the baton like an Olympic relay.
14. The Surprise Attack Method
Some parents choose to discuss puberty during car rides, trapping their kids in a moving vehicle with no escape.
15. Puberty: The Ultimate Plot Twist
Just when kids think they have life figured out, puberty hits like a plot twist in a soap opera—dramatic and unexpected.
These observations highlight the humorous challenges parents face when discussing puberty with their tweens, emphasizing the importance of open and timely communication. CNN
This article was produced in full collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer. No AI feelings were harmed in the making of this satire.
