By Bohiney.com Staff(Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion)

https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/

A Feeding Frenzy Even Anna Delvey Would Call "A Bit Much"

Hollywood executives, traditionally known for their grace and subtlety (pause for laughter), have apparently lost all pretense of professionalism.The cause of the chaos?A single, brilliant, morally questionable screenplay: The Grand Illusionists - the story of three real-world grifters banding together to con the entire planet.

According to sources with suspiciously perfect teeth, the resulting studio war has turned Los Angeles into a live-action version of Lord of the Flies, but with more cocaine and slightly better lighting.

At least three major fights have broken out at Soho House West Hollywood over who gets to film this masterpiece of modern duplicity.

In short:The scammers wrote a script about scamming...And now Hollywood is scamming each other trying to scam it.

It's the most beautiful pyramid scheme since everyone in Hollywood learned about NFTs... last Tuesday.

MORE: New York Post

The Studios: Who's Fighting and Why They're Losing

Warner Bros.: The Traditionalist Scam

Warner Bros. executives were first to move, arriving at the negotiation table with cigars, whiskey, and 1,000-page contracts written entirely in Old English.

"We know about grift," said one VP, stroking a first-edition Harry Potter contract like a Bond villain with a white cat."We've been fleecing audiences with DC movies for 15 years."

WB planned a "dark, gritty reinterpretation" of The Grand Illusionists, where Anna Delvey becomes a misunderstood anti-hero and Billy McFarland gets a tragic origin story involving bad Wi-Fi.

Their pitch slogan:"From the Studio That Brought You Batman's Feelings... Comes Three Criminals You'll Sympathize With Too!"

The problem?Their first draft was so serious it caused three development executives to fall into medically induced comas during the table read.

Netflix: The Mass Production Scam

Netflix executives, fresh off greenlighting 842 shows no one has ever watched, stormed into the bidding war with a "multiverse scam expansion pack."

Their plan:

• The Grand Illusionists: Origins
• The Grand Illusionists: Sam's Revenge
• The Grand Illusionists: Scam Wars
• The Grand Illusionists: You Thought We Were Done, Suckers?

According to leaked memos, Netflix's "vision" included deep fake cameos by Barack Obama and footage licensed from Tiger King "for authenticity."

Netflix's strategy was simple:Flood the zone until America thinks the scams actually happened.

Unfortunately, their pitch meeting was delayed when one executive was caught Photoshopping Rotten Tomatoes scores live during the presentation.

A24: The Pretentious Scam

Indie darling A24 offered a "lo-fi, arthouse reimagining" of the con artists' story.

In their version:

• Dialogue would be whispered into mason jars.
• The score would consist of goats screaming in minor key.
• Scenes would be shot entirely with handheld potato-quality cameras "for realism."

Billy McFarland would be portrayed by Timothée Chalamet after "gaining 12 pounds of ethical ambiguity."Anna Delvey would be played by Anya Taylor-Joy dressed in "nothing but existential dread."Sam Bankman-Fried would be replaced with "the concept of failure itself."

Their title?"Whispering Grifters: A Meditation."

Test audiences reported confusion, nausea, and a vague sense of betrayal - which A24 counted as a "smashing critical success."

Disney: The Family-Friendly Scam

Not to be outdone, Disney threw their Mickey-shaped hat into the ring.

They pitched a sanitized PG-13 musical version titled:"Griftopia: The Scam That Saved Friendship."

Key elements included:

• Billy McFarland singing "I Swear This Will Totally Work" in a heartfelt opening number.
• Anna Delvey tap-dancing across a giant checkbook.
• Sam Bankman-Fried voiced by a CGI-friendly Chris Pratt doing an "Italian" accent so offensive it might spark a second Renaissance.

In the climax, the scammers realize the real scam... was the friends they made along the way.

Disney offered a record-breaking $750 million to acquire the rights - but the offer was contingent on the story being set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and involving time travel.

Amazon Studios: The Actual Scam

Amazon tried something different.

They just... bought the real Billy McFarland.

Not the rights.Not the story.The man himself.

Rumors suggest Jeff Bezos sent Billy a personal DM reading:"I hear you like islands. Let's talk private orbital cities."

Amazon's adaptation would be 12 episodes, with a budget bigger than Luxembourg's GDP.Every episode would conclude with Alexa devices randomly ordering viewers T-shirts reading "Ask Me About My Ponzi Scheme."

Critics worried about the corporate synergy.Jeff Bezos tweeted a photo of himself reading The Grand Illusionists script... on top of a pile of money... inside a Tesla... drinking Starbucks... wearing Nikes... holding a Disney+ subscription card.

Subtle.

What the Funny People Are Saying

"The last time this many rich people fought over something imaginary, it was the 2008 housing crisis." - Jerry Seinfeld

"If you listen closely, you can hear every studio executive saying, 'This project has heart!' while writing bribe checks with the other hand." - Sarah Silverman

"I hope Sam Bankman-Fried plays himself. No actor can match the raw stupidity of real life." - Larry David

The Surprising Dark Horse: Hallmark Channel

In a move no one predicted, the Hallmark Channel pitched a "small-town Christmas" version:

• Billy McFarland returns to his sleepy hometown to organize the "Christmas Scam Festival."
• Anna Delvey is the tough but tender event planner.
• Sam Bankman-Fried is the jolly pizza shop owner who believes in the magic of crypto.

Hallmark demanded the film include at least 73 Christmas trees, 14 awkward snowball fights, and one fake relationship that becomes real at the Christmas pageant.

Working title:"A Con-Man for Christmas."

Frankly?It tested better than expected with suburban focus groups.

Polls and Surveys: America Chooses Its Favorite Scam

A Bohiney.com exclusive YouGov poll asked 5,000 Americans:"Who should make The Grand Illusionists movie?"

Results:

• 29% - Netflix (they already believe it's real anyway)
• 24% - Warner Bros. (Batman cameo potential)
• 22% - Disney (for the merchandising)
• 18% - A24 (to pretend they're cultured)
• 7% - Hallmark (pure ironic joy)

Most common write-in answer:"Whoever can get Nicolas Cage to play all three characters."

Second most common answer:"Let the scammers direct it themselves. It's only fitting."

The Secret Bidding Tactics

Hollywood being Hollywood, normal pitches weren't enough.

Reports from insiders claim that studios employed a range of "persuasive techniques":

• Netflix executives stormed the writers' houses armed with gift baskets containing "Limited Edition Squid Game merch" and "I.O.U." notes.
• Disney dispatched an army of lobbyists dressed as Stormtroopers who simply stood outside offices whispering, "Resistance is futile."
• Warner Bros. flew in a real live bat as a "symbol of our commitment to darkness and betrayal."

Meanwhile, A24 mailed 3,000 unscented candles and a note that just said: "Consider vibes."

Cause and Effect: The Scam Echo Chamber

Industry analysts warn that if this trend continues:

• By 2027, every Hollywood movie will involve at least one scam.
• By 2030, Oscar categories will include "Best Artistic Fraud" and "Most Relatable Con Artist."
• By 2035, actors will just start committing real crimes and live-streaming them for awards consideration.

As entertainment lawyer Marvin Bletchley explained:"In the era of Fyre Festivals, fake heiresses, and $44 billion Twitter takeovers, audiences don't want heroes. They want extremely charismatic train wrecks."

The Grand Illusionists is simply the first honest reflection of that new reality.

Eye-Witness Account: The Ultimate Pitch Meeting

On April 27, at Chateau Marmont, representatives from every major studio gathered to deliver their final pitches.

What began as polite banter soon descended into:

• An actual bidding war where Netflix execs threw duffel bags of cash on the table.
• A fistfight between two Disney vice-presidents using rolled-up Avengers posters as weapons.
• An A24 agent attempting to summon "authentic storytelling energy" by burning sage (which triggered a fire alarm).

Witnesses claim the moment the fire sprinklers went off, Billy McFarland himself rappelled through the ceiling wearing a tuxedo and shouted:"WHO WANTS TO GET SCAMMED FIRST?!"

According to sources, the entire room stood and applauded.

Several agents cried tears of joy.

Anna Delvey billed the event organizers $14,000 for "curation services" and vanished into a waiting Rolls-Royce.

Sam Bankman-Fried tried to pay for his martinis in MangioCoin and was politely escorted out by security... again.

Conclusion: The Real Winners

No matter who wins the rights, one thing is clear:

Hollywood isn't just telling a story about con artists.Hollywood IS the con.

And deep down, we don't mind.

Because if we're going to be lied to, it might as well be glamorous, hilarious, and have a killer soundtrack.

As Billy McFarland himself said (probably while signing fake posters at Coachella):"Never let the truth get in the way of a good invoice."

Disclaimer:

This article is a proud collaboration between a cowboy, a farmer, and a half-empty bottle of bourbon.No AI was responsible for the human stupidity chronicled here - only humanity's own boundless talent for self-sabotage.

Auf Wiedersehen!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="640"] BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, chaotic Toni Bohiney-style cartoon of a lavish movie pitch meeting gone wild. In a grand gold conference room, cartoon executives frantically wav... - bohiney.com[/caption]

Movie Treatment: "The Grand Illusionists"

Title:

The Grand Illusionists

Logline:

Three infamous fraudsters - a disgraced festival tycoon, a fake heiress, and a delusional crypto king - team up for the biggest con of the century: scamming the world's richest elite by selling them a fake utopian city. But when egos clash and double-crosses abound, the real prize becomes who can scam the scammers first.

Introduction:

In a world where truth is optional and Instagram likes are currency, three outlaws of perception - Billy McFarland, Anna Delvey, and Sam Bankman-Fried - realize they've been wasting their talents on petty fraud.It's time to level up.It's time to build something bigger.Something so preposterous... that it can only succeed.

Their mission: create and sell a completely fictional "techno-utopia" to the wealthiest billionaires on Earth.

The only rule?Never, ever believe your own hype.

Full Plot Summary

ACT ONE: "The Pitch"

Setup:

We open on Billy McFarland (late 20s, charming, sweaty, the human equivalent of a TED Talk sponsored by Red Bull) exiting a medium-security prison - duffel bag in hand, debts to pay, and grander delusions than ever.

Cut to Anna Delvey (early 30s, unrepentant, couture-clad despite ankle monitor) charming her way out of court-mandated house arrest by convincing her parole officer she's starting a "philanthropic foundation for ugly dogs."

Meanwhile, in a dingy trattoria in Queens, Sam Bankman-Fried (40s, twitchy, thinks he's Tony Stark but has $17 to his name) launches "MangioCity" - an imaginary Italian smart-city funded entirely by a fake ICO (Initial Coin Offering).

They're all at rock bottom, each convinced they're one good lie away from reclaiming greatness.

An anonymous text pulls them together:"We're wasting time apart. Together, we could scam the whole planet. Meet at the Cloisters. Bring ideas."

Cut to a clandestine meeting under medieval arches.They size each other up. Mutual disgust. Mutual admiration.Billy pitches the idea:"We fake an entire city. Smart roads. Hover taxis. Carbon-negative EVERYTHING. The tech billionaires won't just invest... they'll beg to be let in."

Anna sniffs: "Only if we make it exclusive."Sam grins: "And only if we accept crypto."

The Grand Illusion is born:"Aurora City" - the first floating luxury utopia in international waters.

Target Market: Tech billionaires, disillusioned celebrities, ex-royalty, and "visionary" entrepreneurs who want to escape taxes and bad Yelp reviews.

Inciting Incident:

They launch a secretive "whitelist" for investors.Buzz spreads like wildfire.Famous YouTubers leak fake drone footage.Leonardo DiCaprio's assistant inquires if there's room for a villa.

Phase One: Complete.

ACT TWO: "Building the Illusion"

Rising Action:

The trio operates out of an abandoned WeWork.Billy handles PR and media.Anna curates "investor packets" - glossy brochures featuring photoshopped paradise islands.Sam spins up "AuroraCoin" (currency of the new city), filling the whitepapers with enough buzzwords to give Elon Musk an aneurysm.

Soon, millions pour in - non-refundable "reservation fees" for property that doesn't exist.

Montage:

• Billy charming a Saudi prince on Zoom while wearing pajama bottoms.
• Anna hosting "Aurora" soirees at fake penthouses, complete with rented peacocks.
• Sam giving TED Talks to holograms, believing they're real attendees.

Their motto: "Luxury is just good lighting and audacity."

But cracks emerge:

• Anna wants full creative control: "No ugly millionaires allowed."
• Sam demands AuroraCity accept his lasagna-based NFT as official ID.
• Billy keeps secretly funneling funds to Plan B: his own secret island getaway.

Internal sabotage looms.

Midpoint (Major Twist):

At the height of their success, disaster strikes:Jeff Bezos expresses interest... and demands a private tour.

Problem: Aurora City doesn't exist.

Solution:Stage a fake yacht tour off the coast of the Bahamas.

Cue the most chaotic fake presentation in history:

• Inflatable buildings bobbing awkwardly in the water.
• Holographic trees flickering like a bad VR demo.
• Actors hired on Craigslist pretending to be "Aurora citizens" (paid in Subway coupons).

Against all odds - Bezos LOVES it.

Investors double down.

The trio is now drowning in billions.

The bigger the lie, the stronger the belief.

ACT THREE: "Every Grifter for Themselves"

Climax:

With so much money at stake, alliances crumble:

• Anna blackmails Billy with screenshots of his offshore accounts.
• Billy leaks footage of Sam snorting lines of Parmesan cheese off investor contracts.
• Sam hacks the AuroraCoin servers, turning all balances into MangioCoin overnight.

Double-crosses. Triple-crosses. Quadruple gaslighting.

Their final heist?Stealing the entire escrow fund ($2.7 billion) - from each other.

In a tension-soaked showdown aboard a mega-yacht, they exchange final betrayals:

• Anna bribes the captain to reroute.
• Sam disables the security system.
• Billy parachutes onto a passing Disney Cruise Line, carrying the real wallet codes taped to his chest.

Falling Action:

Authorities catch wind.Interpol raids begin.Yachts sink. Helicopters crash. MangioCoin plummets.

BUT...

In an ironic twist, the collapse of AuroraCity triggers a global sympathy movement:"Let Visionaries Fail" becomes a viral hashtag.

Billy, Anna, and Sam, instead of being arrested, are invited to give TED Talks on "disruption."

They go on to sell the movie rights.

To themselves.

For $200 million.

Main Characters

Billy McFarland

Charming sociopath with the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel. Dreams big, thinks small, lies effortlessly.

Anna Delvey (Sorokin)

Ice-cold master of aesthetic manipulation. Sees the world as a giant poorly-curated museum begging for her curation.

Sam Bankman-Fried

Wacky crypto-bro with delusions of entrepreneurial grandeur. Will sell his own shadow if he can figure out how to tokenize it.

Detective Carla Vance (Supporting)

Dogged Interpol agent who slowly realizes she low-key respects their hustle.

Jasper Wren (Supporting)

Billionaire influencer gullible enough to bankroll half the scam, then live-stream his heartbreak.

Tone

A chaotic, sharp-witted crime comedy - a mix of Catch Me If You Can, The Wolf of Wall Street, and The Bling Ring.

Tension and stakes are real... but the absurdity bubbles just beneath the surface at all times.

Every shot feels like it might collapse under the weight of its own delusions - just like the characters.

Visual Style

• Bright, over-saturated Miami Vice palettes for parties and promo scenes.
• Gritty, handheld camera for behind-the-scenes fraud.
• Glossy, dream-like cinematography during fake presentations to emphasize how much smoke and mirrors are involved.
• Occasional breaking of the fourth wall, with characters winking directly at the audience mid-scam.

Closing Pitch

"The Grand Illusionists" isn't just a heist movie.It's a dark mirror held up to the modern obsession with image over substance, hype over reality.

It asks the ultimate question:"If everyone's lying, does it even matter who wins?"

And it answers:"No, but it's way funnier if it's these three clowns."

Auf Wiedersehen!

[caption id="attachment_13857" align="aligncenter" width="640"]

MOVIE POSTER - A wide, colorful, stylish satirical movie poster titled 'The Grand Illusionists.' Three cartoonish main characters stand back-to-back in front of a ...[/caption]

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